The things I remember are an odd collection of sorts. Time has never stuck with me very well, so what I have are just moments in the aftershocks that followed the 9.5 earthquake that had rocked my world.
-I had to bring my then puppy, Mei Li. She ended up being one of the best distractions for my family and I. When being with people got overwhelming but I didn't want to be alone, Mei Li was my loyal companion. When I returned back to my life in North Florida, I let Mei Li stay behind with my mom and my sisters as my four-legged ambassador. If Daddy had a grave, he would've rolled over in it. Haha. We had a strict no dog policy growing up because of him.
- My grandpa was sent to come get me and my sister came too. We ate at a Waffle House on the way to Okeechobee for dinner. My sister and I didn't want to stop but they did and thought it would be the best. The whole meal, I was just itching to get out of there, away from the awkwardness. I still don't really like Waffle House because the same feeling seems to linger in the air.
-My littlest sister was in the middle of softball season, maybe, and she took advantage of everyone coming over to the house. I think everyone walked out of visiting with us having bought a set of cups from her fundraiser. Haha. No one could say no to a nine year old whose Dad just died. To her credit, I don't think she knew what she was doing in choosing her timing to deliver her sales pitch. We lived in the middle of nowhere, so there weren't a lot of people to begin with so she pounced on the opportunity when they all came knocking on her door.
-I know I wrote something for the funeral because Mom asked me to but I have no idea what words I put together. I can remember what I wrote for the FL Writes Test and the many different songs I've rewritten. However, I don't know a single sentence from what I typed up. Memory is my fickle friend. I definitely didn't have it in me to read it, so a dear friend did that part for me. I hope I used only the best words for him.
-You really find out who your people are in these times. I remember those faces of my Mississippi friends who drove 12 hours to be there for me. Those who took off of work to walk in the awful family parade with me. (Who thought of that tradition anyway? Why does the family have to walk in a line in front of a church full of eyes?)
-"You can't wear red to a funeral." I didn't even know that was a rule.
-I remember every card I received. Every single one. There's a lost art in sending cards with hand-written notes in them. Those words that came for me were permanently etched in my heart.
-My Dad was beloved in our community and our community stepped up to love my family through that time.
-Numb would be the most accurate description of how I felt for a while. It was like a defense mechanism. It was SO much at one time. In order to survive life without my Dad, all the switches got turned off.
-I had talked to him on the phone while he was in the hospital and he told me not to come because it was ok. And then in the blink of an eye, it wasn't.
I don't remember a lot. I don't recall when I went back to my home or where I slept in Okeechobee or what we did after the funeral. There are a lot of holes in my timeline. But I am so thankful for what I do remember. For the people who loved me when I was at my most broken, who laughed with me or hit me when I liked to make things twisty, awkward dropping dead dad cards everywhere, who let me sit in the quiet... those people are people you keep, man. Forever people. For the hard times that made breathing impossible, when I either got too little or too much sleep, when poor choices were made... those things help you see God's grace in your life. These are the things that matter... God's abounding grace and loving people.
My Dad had that part of life figured out. He was truly a giant among men. Here are some of my favorites:
1. He had some super sweet dance moves in the car. I think that's where we get it from.
2. His story is a story I never got tired of hearing. He had a testimony that had God's fingerprints all over it! I will never get over his choice to include me as a part of his story. Kindergarten was the best, getting to go from the S's in line to the J's.
3. While he was one of the smartest dudes ever, he never made you feel dumb or belittled. He walked a humble life. I can only hope I can learn to walk like he did.
4. If he said he was going to do something, he was going to do it. Everyone knew they could count on him.
5. We've got some pretty thick skin, thanks to him. He was always teasing us and laughing with us.
6. One time he threw my security blanket on a light fixture to hide it from me. It worked. I never found it until it CAUGHT ON FIRE!! #can'tmakethesethingsup
7. While he wore many hats professionally... pastor/teacher/father/mentor/fisherman/wanna-be-hunter/and more... there were only two real hats he would ever consider wearing, Boston Red Sox or New England Patriots.
8. He loved CarTalk Radio and would drive into town for coffee to listen to them on NPR.
9. He taught me chess, read me The Chronicles of Narnia, taught me how to color immaculately and how to canoe. Just to name a few.
10. He lived a life with Christ at the center. I know my Dad wasn't perfect. I know he had many shortcomings but with Christ, my Dad could do all things.
You see, I thought ten years ago my life was forever changed because I had to continue living while my Dad was not... but the truth is my Dad lives on through the people he loved and who loved him. Ten years later, I still hear stories about him and how he did this or helped a person with that. I am so, so grateful to have been loved by him for nineteen-ish years. And for the rest of my life, I will continue to loving him.
